


Courting Death, or not?

by AlexTheShipper



Category: Marvel, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Romantic Comedy, Canon Divergence, Dinosaurs, Flirting, Fluff, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Rom com tropes, courting, cuddle time, implied Touch Starvation, not team Cap friendly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 15:28:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10619793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexTheShipper/pseuds/AlexTheShipper
Summary: Thanos is planning on destroying Midgard in an attempt to court Death. Tony Stark points out that it might not be the best move, and Rom Com tropes begin.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have no clue what this is, but Thanos is a big softly, and Charlie Bradbury has a cameo so enjoy. I guess?

"Why are you doing this?" Tony asks, the faceplate has fallen off, and he can hear the sound of one of his cars being crushed.

“I am in love with death, and I hope to win her favor.” Thanos explains. “I will destroy all the nine realms as a courting gift for her.” Tony raises an eyebrow skeptical, and for the first time Thanos questions his plan.

"you thought that would work?" Tony asks incredulous "you really think killing entire planets is a good way to get the girl?"

"Of course. It’s a great plan.” Thanos states. “What would you recommend?" He asks, suddenly unsure. No one had ever questioned his plan before, but perhaps they had been too afraid.

"I don't know, maybe not making her job 1000 times harder while also taking away her job security?” Tony says, beginning to pry himself out of the dead suit. Thanos blinks at him surprised.

“What do you mean?” He asks, towering over Tony. Tony looks up.

“Well if you kill everyone here, then they won’t have more children later, so in the long run there will be less deaths.” Tony explains, and Thanos considers this.

“You are intelligent man of Iron.” He declares, and tony groans. “You will help me court my lady Death.” He orders, and Tony rolls his eyes.

“Listen Thanos. Dude, I have better things to do than help you court Death.” Tony finally manages to climb out of the suit bushing some soot off of his slightly scorched suit, he hated when battles started just after board meetings. Thanos grabs him around the neck.

“You will help me.” He orders, and Tony raises his hands placatingly. “Or I will destroy your world.” He threatens.

“Okay, okay.” Tony agrees and he’s dropped back onto the floor. “Fragile Midgardian here, maybe don’t do that again.” He rubs at his neck and pretends he isn’t remembering Thor, his ‘friend’ doing the same thing.

“Where do we begin?” Thanos asks. Tony looks at his battle armor assessing.

“Probably a makeover.” He says, and heads for the door, Thanos has to duck to fit through after him. “Everything will need to be tailor made of course.” He says, considering Thanos size. What can you tell me about Lady Death?” There’s a long silence as Thanos tries to fit his knees in the convertible. Tony pulls the lever to slide the seat back.

“She is the queen of the realm of the dead.” He informs Tony. Tony nods agreeably, waiting for more. “She is vey pretty, and she once dated a Deadpool of Midgard. Should I challenge him for her heart?” Thanos asks, as they drive to the tailors.

“I wouldn’t recommend it. Deadpool is incapable of dying, and a little insane. Not to mention Death is a queen not a prize to be won.” Tony explains. “What else can you tell me about her?” Tony asks, and there’s another long pause.

“She is Lady Death,” Thanos repeats. And Tony nods.

“Yeah, I got that part. But why do you like her?” Tony asks, and Thanos looks confused.

“She is Lady Death.” He repeats again, and Tony fights the urge to facepalm.

“Is that legitimately all you know about her?” Tony asks, and Thanos opens his mouth to speak. “I know, I know, she holds dominion over the realm of the dead.” Thanos’ mouth snaps shut. “Have you ever asked her about her interests?”

“We have never spoken.” Thanos tells him, as if speaking to her is irrelevant. Tony blinks at him, barely resisting the urge to facepalm.

“This is going to be harder than I thought. Friday make a note, call Deadpool.” He says, and Thanos is startled when the car replies.

“Of course, Boss.” She says. Thanos blinks at it.

“Spirit, are you okay. I know I am rather large by Midgardian standards.” He says, looking as if he would will himself to float if at all possible.

“I am fine Sir Thanos thank you for the concern.” She replies. He smiles, relaxing back into his seat. Tony can’t help being charmed at that. It’s nice, having someone care about his ‘spirits’. They arrive at the tailors, and Tony leads Thanos inside, once more the titan is forced to duck under the door frame.

“Charlie. Charlie, I have got a job for you.” Tony says, and Charlie walks into the room and stops dead, turning an unimpressed look on Tony.

“You always did like the strange ones Stark. I’ll need to take a few days to get him settled, but I can certainly take measurements now.” She says, and Tony nods agreeably. “It will cost quite a bit.”

“Bradbury, you know me. I’ve got it covered.” Tony says, waving off the question. Thanos scowls at him.

“What currency do you midgardians use?” Thanos asks, and Tony tries to wave him off as Charlie beams. “I have coins made from the metal you call gold. Would that have value?” He asks.

“You are the first of Tony’s friends to offer to pay for yourself.” She says, and Thanos’ frown deepens, brow furrowing.

“Those are not friends Stark.” He informs the man. “Be wary of them.” Tony nods agreeably.

“Learned that the hard way big guy.” Tony pats his shoulder. “Don’t worry about paying.” He tries, and Thanos glares at him. “Or do whichever is fine. Charlie you okay with taking gold coins?” He asks, and she nods. “Perfect, what kind of clothing would you like big guy?”

“Your outfit, while damaged, looks incredibly attractive. Do you have anything similar?” He asks, turning his attention to Charlie. She winks at Tony when he blushes.

“Tony does look good.” She says with a grin, pulling out her measuring tape. “I’m sure I could get you something like that.” She says, and Thanos nods, pleased.

“Why don’t we do a few pairs of jeans, and some T-shirts while we’re at it.” Tony requests, and Thanos shrugs.

“That is agreeable. How many coins will this cost?” He asks Charlie and she smiles. “That depends on the purity of the gold and the size of the coin.” She says, and Thanos pulls out a pouch of coins roughly the size of a tea plate. Charlie’s eyes widen.

“That.” She stutters, and then stops.

“Would a dozen coins be okay?” He asks, and she nods mutely, trying to calculate the worth in her head.

“That would be about 12 grand.” Tony says, and she’s not surprised he knows the approximate value of gold, or the weight of it just by looking at it.

“Is that a fair price for her skill?” Thanos asks. “I would hate to undervalue her time.” He says, and Charlie elbows Tony wiggling her eyebrows.

“I think 15 should be good, since we need a full wardrobe. Thanos nods, counting out the coins and handing them over.

“He’s a keeper.” She declares, and Tony can’t help but agree.

“I am unsure of what this means.” Thanos admits curiosity piqued by their conversation. Charlie blinks at that, and gives him a wolfish grin.

“It means you are worth dating.” She tells him, and Thanos gives Tony an assessing look.

“You are incredibly good at your job.” He informs the man, and Tony splutters. “I am already better at courting.”

“That’s all you big guy. Girls generally like it when you’re nice to other workers. Nobody wants to date the dickbag who doesn’t tip.” Tony explains, and Thanos nods. Tony blushes under his scrutiny.

“You are most adorable.” Thanos informs him, and Tony blushes deeper. “What are your interests?” He asks, and Charlie nearly squeals. Tony shakes his head.

“You can’t play with a guys emotions like that Thanos.” Tony says. “I’m teaching you how to court death, you can’t be flirting with me at the same time.” Thanos frowns in thought.

“You have pointed out that I do not know death.” Thanos says, and Charlie wraps the measuring tape around his bicep. Tony nods, as she mouths the word ‘wow’ at him. “I would like to know you.” Thanos tells him.

“What can I say?” Tony asks, and Thanos looks interested. “I’m rich, and smart. I like loud music and building things. I have robot kids.” He rattles off. Thanos looks confused. “The spirit in the car. I coded her, built her so to speak.” Tony explains.

“That is quite impressive.” Thanos says, and Tony flushes.

“I ship it.” Charlie whispers in Tony’s ear as they leave.

“I hate you Bradbury.” Tony hisses as the door closes. The ride back to the tower is filled with curious questions from Thanos about earth courting traditions.

…

“I have a gift for you.” Thanos says, dressed casually in a pair of well-fitting jeans, and an AC-DC T-shirt. Some days Tony really loves Charlie.

“Oh really?” He asks, and Thanos nods seriously holding out a bouquet of roses.

“The spirit has told me that one should give flowers as a sign of courting. These are apparently romantic in nature.” Thanos explains, and Tony beams at him.

“Nobody has ever gotten me flowers before.” Tony says, breathing in the smell. “Not romantically anyways.” Thanos smiles, proud of himself.

“I would like to take you out on a date typical to American courtship. You enjoy action movies, correct?” And Tony nods, touched that he remembered. “I have also called your friend to be a baby sitter, Rhodes, but he just laughed, so I have brought my faithful servant Nebula to watch the kids.” Thanos explains and Tony wraps him in warm arms. “What is this gesture?”

“It’s a sign of affection, and in this case appreciation. We call it a hug.” Tony tells him, and Thanos wraps his arms around Tony in return.

“Hug.” He mumbles. “I quite like it.” Tony smiles, and eventually slips out of his arms to look at the blue cyborg.

“Nebula?” He asks, and she nods. “As sweet as it was for Thanos to ask, my kids are old enough to watch themselves.” Tony tells her, and Thanos frowns. “Is there anything you would like to do while you’re on Midgard?” He asks.

“The man, Peter Quill. He mentioned something called Footloose. I would like to know what it is.” She informs him, and Tony nods to Friday. The movie ques up on the screen.

“It’s an old movie, you might like it.” He says, gesturing to the screen. She turns and goes to sit on the couch, and Tony notices the missing hand. He decides to make her a new one, later. He’ll have a talk with Thanos about the whole servant thing too. But tonight, he’s going to a movie.

…

They’ve been dating for a month when Thor shows up on his door step with warnings about The Mad Titan. Tony spends his whole speech fighting back laughter, and loses it when Thanos walks in and Thor looks like he’s going to shit himself.

“The Spirit showed me visions of this one choking you.” Thanos says, voice reverberating with anger. “I will destroy his realm for you.” Thanos declares, and Tony places a hand on his chest.

“How about we don’t destroy anybody’s realm?” Tony says, and Thanos scowls, glaring at Thor. “I’m fine, Big guy. Really.” Tony insists.

“He harmed you.” Thanos says as if that we’re an unforgiveable offence. Tony pats his shoulder soothingly.

“You did the exact same thing when we first met.” Tony says, hoping reason will force Thanos to relax. Thanos looks stricken with guilt instead.

“I am most sorry.” He says, and Tony wraps him in a hug.

“Man of Iron that is The Mad Titan. You are hugging him.” Thor says, confusion evident in his voice. Tony hums in agreement.

“I could still destroy his realm.” Thanos offers, and Tony laughs.

“Honey, a lot of people have attacked me over the years. You can’t just destroy all of their realms.” Tony says, and Thanos jaw drops.

“What? Who are they? If I cannot destroy their realms I will destroy every single one of them individually. They will regret the day they harmed you.” Thanos says. Tony smiles flattered. “I will go to the realm of the dead just to destroy them again.” Tony pats his arm.

“I would prefer if you didn’t do that.” Tony says, and Thanos scowls at the implication.

“These people have wronged you. What am I supposed to do?” He demands, and Tony pulls him into a hug, Thanos shields him from Thor in the process.

“I don’t know. Yell at them? Mild threatening? Trash talk them online?” Tony offers as ideas, Thanos scowl only grows. “You could maybe challenge Thor to a duel, just don’t kill him.” Tony offers, and Thor pales.

“I can’t even kill them?” Thanos protests, turning an angry glare on Thor.

“I would very much appreciate it if you didn’t.” Tony says, and Thanos deflates slightly.

“If you insist, I shall refrain from killing your enemies. However, I will ensure that everyone on Midgard knows of their cruelty.” He decides, thinking of the other video the spirit had shown him of the Star Spangled man attacking Tony.

“I assume there is no way for me to stop you.” Tony says, and Thanos nods proudly. “Fine.” Tony groans. “I’ll set up a press conference.” Tony goes off to talk to Friday about plans, leaving a scared Thor alone with Thanos.

“I would appreciate not being killed.” Thor informs the Titan. Thanos nods.

“I would not lie to my beloved.” Thanos states, and Thor blinks in surprise. “I will however ruin your good standing here on Midgard.” Thanos turns to leave, the soft swish of his suit jacket making his exit just that much more dramatic. Sometimes he really misses his cape.


	2. Cuddle time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Press Conference, and Then the Avengers Return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning offscreen Dino death

“Hello people of Midgard.” Thanos declares, standing at the podium, he’s slightly softer spoken than Thor, and cameras flash. Tony stands awkwardly at his side. “This is Tony Stark, I have decided to court him.” Thanos declares, a few cooing noises and aw’s can be heard around the room.

“Hi.” Tony says, smirking at the cameras. They flash in his face, and Thanos continues.

“I have been told that challenging people to fights to the death is not an acceptable way to respond to threats here on Midgard.” Thanos says, looking vaguely disappointed. Tony pats his arm comfortingly. “However, Tony has been wronged, and if I cannot kill those who wronged him I will expose them.” He declares. Tony sighs, and puts on his press face as people start yelling questions.

“I will speak, there is no need to question.” Thanos declares and the press falls silent. “Thor, has held my beloved up by his throat, in front of all of his teammates and they did nothing. I would challenge him to a duel given the slightest opportunity.” Thanos begins, and Tony groans. “The Black Widow betrayed his trust during the so called Civil War.” He continues. “The Scarlet Witch influenced his mind, played with his fears, causing the creation of Ultron.” There are a few gasps of surprise. “Captain America, and Sargent Barnes beat him to a bloody pulp and left him on the ground in a broken metal suit in a place known as Siberia.” Thanos does not say why, he knows that is private information.

“What?” There’s squawks of outrage, and protests coming from the reporters, and Thanos turns to leave.

“Any questions?” Tony asks, taking the microphone. He has a feeling it’s going to be a long day.

…

New hashtags begin popping up all over social media. Friday is proud to be personal responsible for #IronTitan #TonyStarkDefenseSquad #TonyStarkIsMyHero and #FightMeCap. She is also now following the creator of #NotMyCaptain a girl by the name of Riri Williams.

…

“Thanos, I know you hate Cap and crew.” Tony says, and Thanos growls. “But, they’re being pardoned.” Tony says, Thanos scowls, and pulls a huge sword out of nowhere.

“I will handle this.” He declares walking towards the door. Tony’s eyes go wide.

“No, nope. Nuh-uh no killing Cap and crew.” Tony says, grabbing on to his shirt sleeve and getting dragged a few feet towards the door. Thanos stops to duck through it, and Tony darts under his arm to get in the way.

“I will handle them.” He says, lifting Tony and moving him out of the way. Tony very much does not find that hot his is a serious situation. He takes a moment to decide on a course of action, and then jumps onto Thanos’ back.

“No. No killing them.” Tony says stubbornly. “You can threaten and scare them all you want, but you are not ruining my cuddle time to murder people I still kinda care about.” Tony says, and Thanos slows.

“Fine.” He grumbles heading back to their room with Tony still hanging from his back. Tony drops to the floor with a soft thud. “I hate them.” Thanos grumbles, climbing back into their reinforced bed.

“I wish I did.” Tony replies, it still hurts. He still cares too much, loves them more than they loved him. He hates what they did to him, but he isn’t sure if he hates them.

“They were your friends, shitty ones, but your friends.” Thanos says, and Tony hums sleepily. “It is understandable that you would still value them. Will you at least help me, in my endeavor to frighten them?” Thanos asks, and Tony nods sleepily into his shirt.

…

Thanos greets the ex-Avengers jet in full Body Armor. He has some new features specially designed by Tony, and he likes how they make his face glow intimidatingly. Nebula stands at his side, both of them blocking Tony from view, she flexes metal fingers.

“Stark, what’s with color squad?” Clint asks, gesturing between Nebula and Thanos. Tony groans, and grabs Thanos cape, holding him in place.

“I could break his back, in repayment for his malicious jokes.” Thanos offers, and Tony groans. Nebula’s eyes remained focused on Cap as the rest climb off the jet.

“It wouldn’t kill him.” Nebula points out, and Clint pales. Tony nods, because that is true, he tries to ignore the disappointed look Steve is giving him.

“Tony, you’re consorting with villains now?” Steve asks, and he looks at Tony as if he was something under his show. Thanos looks around as if confused.

“The only villains I see here, are you.” Thanos says, with an air of finality. Tony barely refrains from whispering burn under his breath at Steve’s outraged look. Thanos doesn’t let him speak. “We would never attack our allies, our friends.” Thanos states. “Nor would we hide important truths from them.” His voice rings with finality, and there’s a guilty look on Cap’s face.

“I didn’t want things to end like that.” Steve starts, trying to meet Tony’s eyes. Nebula steps in front of Tony her gaze stony.

“Then you should not have acted the way you did.” She states, and with that they turn to leave. As they exit the building there’s the flash of camera’s and Thanos smiles wolfishly.

“Tony how do you feel about the ex-Avengers return to America?” Someone yells, and Tony turns to look at the microphones.

“It’s difficult. I think most people have had a harsh falling out with a friend at some point in their lives. It’s hard, to stop caring about them, but the best thing to do is remove yourself from the toxic relationship. Don’t put a bad friendship over your mental health.” Tony says, smiling at the cameras. Thanos wraps an arm around him. Cameras turn to catch the Avengers reactions to this statement, a mixture of fury, and disappointed looks shot Tony’s way.

“We may need to increase cuddle time.” He says, mostly to Tony, but the press is definitely interested. All cameras are back on Thanos.

“What is cuddle time?” Someone asks, and Tony nearly laughs as the words leave a serious reporters lips.

“According to a scientific study I read, skin contact is very good for human health. I like Tony, and want him healthy. Therefore, we instituted cuddle time.” Thanos explains as if that should be obvious. “He was very clearly not receiving enough positive touch, his sleep cycle and overall health have improved since cuddle time was instituted.” There’s some cooing from a few of the reporters over the idea.

“Tony Stark is my hero!” Someone yells, and a thousand cameras flash as Tony Stark blushes. Somehow a chant starts. Tony’s name, over and over again.

“I love you guys.” Tony says, waving to the people. “I’m so glad this city is my home.” Thanos and Nebula begin to lead him away as the ex-Avengers come into full view. Signs are hefted reading ‘Not My Captain’ and ‘Fight me Cap’ Tony smiles approvingly, at a girl whose sign is held up by a small version of his suit. He passes her his card on his way past.  They leave a confused team Cap in front of a swath of protestors, and reporters.

They’re climbing into the convertible when what looks like a pterodactyl swoops down towards the crowd. Thanos leaps into the air before it can reach them grabbing its leg. Tony watches as government agents forcibly drag the Ex-Avengers away. They aren’t allowed to operate until they’ve signed the edited accords, once again reaping the benefits of Tony’s work while doing absolutely nothing to deserve it.

A triceratops appears at the end of the street.

“I’ve got the sky, you keep the ones on the ground busy.” Tony says, and the ironman armor wraps around him like a cocoon. Thanos nods, and makes a run at the triceratops, Nebula hot on his heels. Tony turns his attention to the pterodactyl as people scatter. He fires, managing to clip it’s wing with the blast. It screeches angrily and turns towards him. Only to be hit with the miniature version of his suit he’d noticed earlier.

“I’ve got you covered!” The girl calls up to him, and she clearly does, crouched behind a pole with the remote control held in her hands. “Take ‘em out Tony!” She says, and he nods, diving back into the fray. Eventually both angry triceratops, and pterodactyl are dead. Tony drops down next to the girl and smiles.

“Tony.” He says, holding out his metal encased hand. She shakes it firmly, unafraid.

“Riri.” She replies, Tony beams at her, as Thanos and Nebula run over to join them. “Thank you.” She says quietly, for Tony’s ears only.

“I should be thanking you.” He replies, just as Thanos arrives, and before Riri can think of words to explain the inspiration Ironman has been in her life. There’s a portal opening. Tony groans. “Please no more.” He whispers.

“What the fuck is happening here, who is killing prehistoric creatures in the twenty first century?” She demands, and her eyes land on Thanos. “Oh, yeah that’s not at all surprising, she looks around, and spots Tony. “My merchant.” Her voice is fond when she speaks, and Tony flinches slightly.

“Lady Death.” Thanos greets, bowing his head, and Tony works to strike down the jealousy growing in his heart. Nebula lays a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Thanos.” Her voice is cold like the artic, and Tony snorts. “Oh yes, my Merchant, you’ve brought so much happiness to my realm.” She informs him, and he blinks, shocked. “People love a good hero, they carry the tales in their heart of those who saved them from death before. Your name is legend in the realm of the dead. The Iron Savior.” She glances at Riri assessing. “The legend will not die with you.” She tells Tony.

“I would need to trust someone with my legacy.” Tony says, casting a curious look Riri’s way. She looks flustered.

“That’s kinda unnecessary.” She says, earning a curious hum. “I may have, kind of, sort of, reverse engineered my own suit.” She admits, and Tony laughs delighted.

“Oh, I like you.” He says, turning pleading eyes on Thanos. “Can we adopt her, please.” Death looks surprised.

“The rumors are true then. My suitor has moved on then?” She beams at Tony. “Good. You deserve someone who would give you the realms if you only asked.” She tells him, and Tony remains shocked, as Thanos wraps an arm around his shoulders. “Now since I’m here, would you like me to take anyone to the afterlife with me? I have been told that there was a brutal attack on you, and another betrayal.” Death says, and Tony laughs, uncomfortable.

“Please don’t kill them.” He says, and Riri scowls.

“I would.” She mumbles, crossing her arms over her chest. Thanos and Nebula nod in agreement. “See, it’s not an awful idea.” Riri says.

“Alternatively, all four of you are awful.” Tony says, pointing at her. Riri shrugs, and Thanos laughs. “Now as fun as this has been, me and the dream team here need to go report to a UN representative so I can still get my cuddle time in for today. Riri call me.” He says, sauntering back to the convertible, Thanos and Nebula follow along after him.


End file.
